The term “Midlife Crisis” is such a powerful label that little else gets a look in when discussing midlife. It’s the reflex “go to” when life events happen, such as losing your job, divorce, the breakup of a relationship, or a health scare.
The events that were pivotal for me were the ill health and death of my parents within 18 months of each other and the need to leave my job when my Mum was diagnosed as terminally ill. At the age of 53 I found myself parentless and jobless with a blank sheet of paper in front of me. It was an extremely very difficult and challenging time, but these events did not precipitate an existential crisis. In the aftermath of everything that happened as I looked forward; it was both liberating and scary.
So where does the term originate? The first study that led to the development of this label was in 1965. Psychanalyst Elliot Jacque’s research and theory was based on a sample of 310 male “geniuses” including Mozart and Raphael. All had died around the age of 37 of natural causes or by their own hand fearing their creative abilities were waning. As Mozart died in 1791 and Raphael died 1520 life expectancy, health, and wellbeing where very different from the realities of 20th century Canada. Follow up research in the 1970’s was based on only 40 men and pointed towards midlife being an agonizing process of disillusionment. This lit a spark and created the cultural phenomenon that we know today. Yet resent research, at last including women, has found little evidence of the inevitability of a midlife crisis.
Midlife Renewal
Whilst a crisis may not occur, midlife and the events that happen during this time have an impact on the way that we view our lives. It tests our expectations of what we feel our life should be like, challenges social expectations and our relationship with ourselves. Or as a French saying roughly translates “the person you thought you would be is facing the person you really are”.
In the early days of your career, it is easy to get caught up in what you are expected to achieve or a path that has been laid out in front of you. The right steps on the career ladder. In my 20’s I didn’t have any real expectations of what my 50’s would look like, it seemed too far away. But I wanted to progress, have a career, family etc. But the rose-tinted optimism of youth doesn’t anticipate the life challenges that may lie ahead. For me this started in my 30s, developing arthritis, having a miscarriage, and having my mother-in-law live with us part time. Yet after a break from work and a hip replacement I retrained as a college lecturer including Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development qualifications .
What if we view midlife as a time of renewal. A time of exploration, growth, and opportunity. To achieve this, we first need to find balance and make peace with ourselves. To treat ourselves with kindness and compassion. Most of the responses we have to life events in midlife are normal human responses. Yet they are often judged as indicators of an impending “Midlife Crisis”.
It is important to identify the expectations and beliefs you have picked up over the years that are not yours. Understanding your values and where they are not being met is essential, as working in opposition to your values can contribute to burnout. You may feel you are only using part of yourself at work, disagreement and cynicism are often bubbling under the surface, you struggle to engage, and this is exhausting.
Clients often realise that the path that they have been on and committed to is expected, valued, and celebrated in a particular profession or sector. But they have reached a point where it doesn’t feel right, their heart isn’t in it, it is tiring and overwhelming. When they let go of these expectations the transformation that takes place is remarkable. This is all part of rebalancing, which enables renewal to take place.
I now have a better understanding of my own midlife rebalance and renewal and what enabled me to step into a new chapter, setting up my own business and retraining again in my 50’s. There are three significant elements, supported by research.
Keep engaged with things that are important to you and bring you joy. For me it was hores riding. Even in my darkest days I still went to the stables. I made time to be with friends. Even when I wasn’t the best company but they were always there to support me. It would have been easy not to go out on many occasions, but I did. It is so easy to disengage and go onto autopilot, I’ve been there, but that isn’t living.
Having a purpose is key, a long-term goal that brings meaning to your life. For me after my parents passed away, I knew that I could support others who were at transitions points in their career and struggling to see a way forward. This is what pulled me forward and gave me a reason to get up in the morning.
Reframing and changing the way you think and act. This hasn’t been easy as many of our thought patterns are unconsciously reinforced over decades, even from childhood. My studies, working with coaches, mentors, and a counsellor, has helped me to think differently. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself.
Midlife is a time of renewal and opportunity that your 20-year-old self could not have imagined. That version of you is important but should not be the driver of what happens to you today. It is a time of internal and external exploration that will enable you to create a new, fulfilling, and happier future.
